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I know what you are thinking but, no, these are actually medals I will be giving to other people for their dedication to the Motherland. The medals I have given myself for dedication to the Motherland are much, much larger and substantially more ornate.

Here I am thanking one of the Kremlin bellhops for hustling my luggage up to my suite and…what? This guy is a goddamn general? Wait, bellhops have generals? Oh, he’s a general, not a bellhop? Riiiight.

Okay, what the fuck, you guys? I totally understand the sanctions against Russia for taking over Crimea. But banning me from all 23 locations of Mighty Taco in New York State?! That is taking this shit too fucking far.

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