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Here I am taking a final inspection of the 300-vehicle aid convoy I am sending to break the siege of Donetsk. You would not believe how much food and medical supplies you can fit in the back of an armoured personnel carrier full of soldiers and weapons. Surprisingly little, actually.

Look at all the delicious food that…what!? I can no longer buy any of this because it is from America and it is banned?! Who the fuck banned it!? Oh, I did? To get back at America for their sanctions over Ukraine? Ah, shit. Now I am hungry.

What? British Ambassador to the US Sir Peter Westmacott called me a thug and a liar in the press?! Good thing he did not say that to my face or I would have offered to shake his hand and forgive him before sucker-punching him in the goddamn throat.

I have heard some British lawyers are going to launch a class-action lawsuit against me for aiding the rebels in Ukraine and for shooting down Flight MH17. Let me contemplate whether I should worry about this or not while I sit on my GOLD FUCKING THRONE.

During the recent BRICS conference I snuck a quick peek at Brazilian President Dilma Rousseff while she gave a speech. I mean, she is okay to look at and all, but what really excites me about her is the way she drops the hammer on protesters with militarized police and tear gas and stuff. So hot.

You probably heard I was at the World Cup final in Brazil on Sunday. Well, here I am before the match telling my beloved Angela Merkel how strongly I would be rooting for Germany to win. Of course, I was covertly rooting for Argentina the entire fucking time. Goddamn Germans.

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