So maybe you heard that my girlfriend Alina Kabaeva is going to become the head of the National Media Group, yes? She is young. And beautiful. And also an ultra flexible gymnast, which is pretty fucking hot, I am not even going to lie. And if you so much as look at her I will have you dragged into the woods and shot. You are looking at her right now, are you not? Goddammit!
I always enjoy visiting with my good friend Mongolian President Tsakhiagiin Elbegdorj, Mostly because he makes me look tall.
This regional governor was boring the shit out of me with harvest yield numbers or some other such nonsense. And I could not help reaching for the hidden button under my desk which activates the trap door to drop this fucking peasant into the pit of rabid wolves I keep in the Kremlin basement.
Here I am taking a final inspection of the 300-vehicle aid convoy I am sending to break the siege of Donetsk. You would not believe how much food and medical supplies you can fit in the back of an armoured personnel carrier full of soldiers and weapons. Surprisingly little, actually.
Look at all the delicious food that…what!? I can no longer buy any of this because it is from America and it is banned?! Who the fuck banned it!? Oh, I did? To get back at America for their sanctions over Ukraine? Ah, shit. Now I am hungry.
What? British Ambassador to the US Sir Peter Westmacott called me a thug and a liar in the press?! Good thing he did not say that to my face or I would have offered to shake his hand and forgive him before sucker-punching him in the goddamn throat.
I have heard some British lawyers are going to launch a class-action lawsuit against me for aiding the rebels in Ukraine and for shooting down Flight MH17. Let me contemplate whether I should worry about this or not while I sit on my GOLD FUCKING THRONE.
Well, this whole Ukraine slow-burn-takeover-by-arming-the-rebels thing has gone fucking pear-shaped, has it not?
During the recent BRICS conference I snuck a quick peek at Brazilian President Dilma Rousseff while she gave a speech. I mean, she is okay to look at and all, but what really excites me about her is the way she drops the hammer on protesters with militarized police and tear gas and stuff. So hot.
You probably heard I was at the World Cup final in Brazil on Sunday. Well, here I am before the match telling my beloved Angela Merkel how strongly I would be rooting for Germany to win. Of course, I was covertly rooting for Argentina the entire fucking time. Goddamn Germans.